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Don’t Let It Cut Deep

3 Mins read

When I married my wife, there was one thing that I was so certain of; she did not love me. I didn’t need a deity to tell me that, I didn’t need my friends to gossip her to me before I come to my senses.

I was just ready to risk it all. I’d encouraged myself that when we’ve stayed together for so long, she’d get used to me and love me. I had no other choice, I was deeply in love with her, and I had money.

If she was in love with someone else, that’d be a different case, I’d know how to go about that. I’m not too sure now, but I guess I’d have let her go.

But since she was not, I told myself I had no competitor, that when there’s no other, then she’d have no choice but to love me.

Funnily enough, I had plans to always spice the relationship. I read several books about romance. I was a fan of miles&boon publication, I was a fan of silhouette books, I was a fan of Harlequin books. I just wanted to love her dearly, feed her with romance, she’d beg to stay.

But it was not so.

Let me tell you something, I had a competitor — but not until when my heart was shattered to pieces did I realize this. I realised I tried to force things that can never be. I tried to tell the world I could rewrite the stars. I thought I could use my money, my morality, my kindness, my sweetness, my honesty, my loving heart to parlay her heart into loving me.

But no.

The truth is, some people just prefer BADNESS, they prefer being lied to, being cheated on. Believe me, some people prefer dwelling around nothing comfortable. To them, it’s boring, and I can understand.

My competitor was promiscuity. And you know, promiscuity has many faces, that’s why I couldn’t pick a competitor. It was like four hundred against one.

So we got married. I encouraged myself with Hosea’s story, he was a man with God, yet he was commanded to marry a prostitute, nothing is in possible.

You know, there’s one thing with trying to find hope, trying to encourage oneself. You find hope in the hopeless of stories. I found hope in stories that were rare. I encouraged myself with things that may not have happened if not for supernatural intervention. I didn’t tell myself supernatural intervention was rare, and don’t just happen because we seek it.

Take this: when a relationship is not going to work, you know, the moment you start vying for things you ought to get as a result of coming together.

I and my wife were two different kind of people, for real. Oh yes, I understand the most perfect relationship is two opposite people, but trust me, not in my case.

I am the kind of person who take life seriously and wants the best out of it. On the other hand, my wife is the kind to buy all sought of unnecessary things, go out with a lot of friends, talk about nothing serious. She’s a full time housewife. No skills, no formal education, and not eager to learn a trade or something… (I’m beating around the bush) she’s the “my husband will take care of me” kind of person and had always survived through going out with a lot of guys…

I knew, but love blinded all of these. We had kids, about 7 of them.

I always break into tears when it gets to this part.

You know, we stayed together for more than 23 years. I did all I could as a man to get the relationship spicy, instead of reading meaningful books, I read romance, I know more than 37 romance novel titles in my head, I watch porn sometimes. But look, the yam that will burn will burn boiled or roasted.

My kids loved me so dearly, as I did them. But I wasn’t the father of them all. I was the father of Ken, who’s the second amongst the seven, the rest six where not mine.

If the rest six belonged to some one else, like a guy she loved, I could take the shame. But the thing is, she only knew the fathers of  the first born and the third, she could not tell who the father of the rest were.

I was married to someone who’s mentally and sexually deranged. When I realised all of these, I blamed myself. I practically told myself how stupid I’d been.

If there’s one thing you should know, once you feel the sign of being unwanted in a relationship where you vie for attention, you’re the only one who wants to please the other; please don’t cut too deep. Let go.

Let go while it’s early.

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