Naija Babes No Go  Kill Me .

I am not the kind of guy to just seat back on a weekend without going out to catch some fun. I never lived my life like that before I went to the United Kingdom, and I am not prepared to start living that way now that I am back to Nigeria. Like I said earlier, my disappointments are now behind me, and I am not just going to seat back and mourn over what’s gone.

Naija babes are something else in terms of packaging; I mean you haven’t seen anything yet until you have met babes in Lagos. It doesn’t matter where you go; New York, London, Toronto, Johannes Burg, and other major cities, Naija babe na Naija babe! I doff my heart to every one of them; they are simply unique. With due respect to all Naija babes; there are some that are far below in my ratings.

Even though I was away from Naija for a long time; I wasn’t going to allow a babe to play a fast one on me. You know how they always say; “no one teaches an old dog a new trick.” Having fun has always been a part of my life; and I wasn’t going to deny myself the fun that comes with clubbing especially on a weekend. Off I went to a club just a couple of days after I got back from the UK. As true omo Eko gan gan, I can’t be left behind after spending several years in London.

Liquid Lounge or LL as a typical Naija babe calls it was the club of my choice on the day I decided to go out clubbing after I got back from London. Gosh! My eyeballs almost popped out of the sockets on seeing babes of different shapes, complexion, and sizes. Eja osan of all categories were moving in different direction, and winking at my direction as sound from the DJ’s system rented the air. Damn! Not even the Hennessey I took before leaving home could blur my vision. I can’t even remember the last time I have been that impressed with Naija babes!

Night like this doesn’t come your way all the time; lady luck must be smiling on me tonight! As we approached the bar where some classy babes where seated, I got shell-shocked at the sight of 5 bottles of champagne on the table! Gees! 5 bottles of champagne in front of these babes; champagne must be damn cheap in Naija!

The moment I knew my night was going to be real fun was when one of the babes returned a smile. Whatever it was that made me pick attention of that lady in question still baffles me; could it be the way she applied her makeup or the type of dress she was putting on. It didn’t take me time to settle down as I signalled the barman to bring me a bottle of champagne. It didn’t take long before my order arrived with candle light or whatever you call it!

It was like the whole world was looking in my direction the moment we popped the champagne! I don’t know how to describe the looks on the faces of those babes; it was more of ‘come get me’ look! To be frank, I wasn’t looking bad, especially with my fair and shinny skin. I mean it was pretty obvious that people suspected that I looked like an “ajebo” (silver spoon) on the night. I quickly gulped my bottle of champagne and ordered for another one if for nothing; but to impress the ladies in the club. I knew I was ready to hit the dance floor as soon as the second bottle was empty. I knew I was ready to take on any babe no matter her status; Beyonce here I come!

I walked up to this babe that stood about 6ft in height or maybe it was just her high heel shoes that made her that tall. Who cares if it was the high heel shoes or her height; as a matter of fact, I am a big fan of ladies on high heels! So ladies you better watch out in case you are looking to catch a date with Iyanda!

The babe and I got talking as soon as we were through with sizing up each other; she at least just what I needed for the night. You won’t believe I was still having a tough time mastering my English ascent even after all these years in the UK. I really don’t know how to explain this, but it could just be because I was always around some of my Naija friends back in the UK. Anyway, I was still able to hold my head high because I was able to blow her away with my smooth phonetics good enough at that level. I could tell that she was heads over heels with the way I was speaking; I could tell from the way she was nodding and smiling at the way my lips were moving. This is no exaggeration; I could tell from the way my lips were moving that she was already taken to the 7th cloud!

Do you mind if I asked where you live? That was the question I asked the damsel, and she said “LERE!” Initially, I thought the sound from the music was way too loud but 20 years living in Lagos before hitting the UK should have been enough to understand what she was trying to say. She mentioned it a second time, and just then I decided to let it go so I won’t be giving myself away like a learner. It had to be said that the damsel was already becoming intimate and holding on to my hands fondly. She was already looking deep into my eyes at this time, and I could sense how the night was going to end; and don’t tell me you don’t already know.

Straight to the dance floor we went, and this was one area she wasn’t going to beat me in. We danced away to the not so usual club rhythm because this time around it was different from those songs I was used to before I left Naija and even back in the UK. The music sent me to the 7th cloud because I couldn’t help but feel the pulse of the club house as everyone was singing along with some of those songs that made me feel that Naija is now on a different scale music-wise. Some of the songs were like; “mummy ko si ni ile “(my mum is not at home, come and collect kondo “lol, she ko do me wayo o, and almost every girl in the club sang along to that particular song.

We danced a couple of tracks before I asked her if she wanted to drink with me; and of course, she didn’t say no. She screamed and asked for a bottle of champagne even before I finished making the request; and then I responded by asking her to drink with me.

Her reaction to my invitation asking her to drink with me wasn’t funny at all because she said nooo o; she wanted a bottle of her own! That sounded like a blow below the belt; and it was actually the first of many blows soon to follow.

I saw the dance floor as the best opportunity to say some sweet and really nice things to her just to woo her; but she wasn’t cut out for that as she continued dancing uninterrupted. As a matter of fact, she acted as if I was bothering her, and it occurred to me that her eyes were fixed on some other guys making their entries into the club house. This didn’t discourage me anyway because I was bent on seeing through my project. Who cares if she was eyeing someone else; all that mattered was achieving my mission.

She noticed that I wasn’t saying anything again, and that was when she asked if I didn’t want to see her again; but of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a lady like her as soon as the party was over? You won’t believe what her next question was? I was completely blown out when she asked me that question; I mean it was like she was trying to get me in the mood.

“Kola, you are wasting my time, what do you have for me?” I found the question so funny and out of place that I couldn’t control myself in laughter. What guts! This little girl asking me such a funny question; what does she take me for? Well, I didn’t let myself down as I started throwing her all tricks in the book so that she could know there is nothing new to teach an old dog. I started giving her all the rhymes that work on a babe; you know what I mean, don’t you?

I told her we would party all night, and all things I thought should work on a Naija babe. This babe wasn’t prepared for all night gist and partying because all she did was to hiss pass me. Trust me, I no be bobo wey dey slack as I followed her like a sheep being led to the slaughter. I followed her straight to where her table was, but this time around, every other babe sharing the same table with her had all disappeared either to dance or get involved in one thing or the other as the night got hotter. As I sat very close to her that night, she looked straight into my eyes, and repeated the same thing she said earlier; “Kola, you are wasting my time, what do you have for me?”

She didn’t stop at that question though because she said something that made me reeled with laughter. “How much are u going to give me for the night?” she added. G-i-v-e you for the night or what did she say? I thought a club was a place to hang and have fun for the night; what’s with this talk of “how much” for the night? Honestly, sometimes things could work out between two people who meet in the club; but it doesn’t happen the way she is making it seem. I didn’t want to sound rude to her; but this is becoming way too funny because I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out hysterically.

Then I asked her what she was charging me for because as far I know, I just want to catch some fun. It was then and there that the other side of her became evident as she responded by saying; “so u just want to take me home and would give me any money even if its transport fare (TFARE)? She said her TFARE was 10k (10,000 Naira or about 40 Pounds according to my calculation). This LERE must be quite a distance so I said; 10k from Ikeja to wherever she said she came from was huge! I started lecturing her on how not to make herself cheap because in truth she was looking very sexy and pretty. I didn’t have to lecture her for too long because she just got up and walked out on me; probably to find her real mugu.

When I got back to where my friend was seating and explained my experience to him; he just laughed and told me how every girl in the night club only came there to hustle. Hustle? How could that possibly be? Well, I just threw my hands up in the hair, and said that was not for me! Hustle ke; for what? Back in the UK, girls want to hang out with you in the club only if they like you, and not for the money. I thought it was about time I went back home so I signalled to the barman to bring me my bill. The guy didn’t even hesitate before yelling what I thought was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on just two bottles of champagne; he screamed 50k (50,000 Naira)! 50 what? I screamed, and immediately turned to my friend to find out if he had made any order while I was busy with the babe on the dance floor; and his answer was no.

The barman said a bottle of champagne costs 25k each; that summed up my entire night. What a night; 50k just for two bottles of champagne that was not even of top quality! The good thing is that my pocket was loaded with some cash; and that was when I told my friend that Naija yi a le die ooo (this Naija wasn’t going to be as easy as I earlier thought).

Time to head back home as my eyes became very clear; the mist is all gone, and I am now sober. Things just can’t continue like this; another night like this one and things will go all bad for me. There has to be some other way to hook up with those sexy Naija babes without going through some terrible experience like I just did. Perhaps, I was a bit too forward and got myself into some big big trouble. Maybe a little bit of finesse and romantic skills would help me with these Naija babes; maybe. I urge you to keep reading my diary (Returnees’ Diary) because something else is coming on another ‘romantice’ date with another Naija babe.

So returnnees,

5 Tips To Spot A Naija Girl

You can spot a typical Naija babe with the following tips:

If she asks; “what do you have for me?”

If she is all over you from the onset.

If she is just well packaged, padded front and back.

If in a group, be sure to buy  food or drinks for the whole group.

 

Iyanda